Lenten Letter to my Children and Godchildren

Dearest Young Adults of Mine by birth or baptism,

Monday, March 11th starts the 40 day period of Great Lent (which is followed by Holy Week in our Church) and culminates at Pascha (a.k.a. Easter).

Whether God plays a big role in your conscious life, or a tiny role, or no role at all, I’m writing to suggest that you exploit the spirituality of this season. Borrow Lent.

I have noticed that during the weeks before Easter and Passover when so many people on the planet are praying more, fasting, reading Scripture and attending worship services there is a unique and powerful condition in the world.

Scientists have a field theory that can explain this. Quantum physics says that atoms relate to each other and that the field that surrounds the atoms are equally influential in how the atoms behave. Social scientists have applied this theory to humans. Individuals emit energy that affect each other and are influenced by the fields between us. Think of the times when “there is war in the air” or “there is celebration in the air”. Think of how some people offend you without even speaking to them, or you are drawn to them. People emit their energy. During the next few weeks, there is intense spirituality in the air. I suggest that you Ride the wave instead of ignoring it. There is something valuable to be gained by the experience.

If your thoughts are ever able to pass through the interferences of this world brought on by all the distractions and conflicts in it, to reach the ears of God, whether or not you believe there is a God, or that this God cares about you, then the likelihood is exponentially greater now. Try it! Test it! 

Talk to God. Silently or aloud, or in writing.

Say anything you want to say.

Ask questions.

Challenge Him.

Challenge yourself and your own personal theory of God.

Make a wish (actually the word prayer is literally translated from Greek as Pro Blessing. Before the blessing, comes the wish, or request, or need. Simply put, a prayer is a wish.)

If you EVER want to access God, do it during Lent to maximize the chance of your success. The conditions are most favorable. 

Let me tell you, on the day after Easter, it’s like all the helium has seeped out of the balloon. (I hate that, happens every year. Just giving you the heads up.)

 Meanwhile, as your mom, I will be doing all I can to make sure your efforts big or small, or even tiny receive God’s attention. I am your lobbyist! 😘😉😇

 Suggested activities:

 •     Read the Bible, just one psalm a day or a week, or work your way through one gospel, either John the most spiritual one, or Mark (the first written and the basis for Matthew and Luke). Unlike any other book, the Bible is a living document, like wine is the only living beverage.

 •     Fast. I can’t easily tell you why, but there is a correlation between eating and spirituality. Fasting is a catalyst. The fasting spectrum is wide, from denying  yourself one thing, meat on Friday, to the full Orthodox fast which is no animal products until Easter, except crustaceans for their lack of blood.

 •     Church. There are many services during the week as well as Sunday. Participation, not at first because you won’t be ready, but towards the end, you may find to be a powerful experience.

 •     Listen. Listen to God speak to you in your heart, for answers to your questions or to your comments.

 Καλή Σαρακοστή - good 40 days.

 See you on the other side! I plan to host an Easter Feast. April 28, 3 pm. Will confirm with an invitation later.


Mom, nouna, Lynn


There and Almost There

Today I am more aware of my fellow Lenten mountain climbers than ever. In fact there is a huge troupe ahead of me. They are called the westerners, and they have already reached the top. We are both celebrating Christ's victory, but while me and my group are happy about Palm Sunday, His very good day on earth, they are at the very top already. For them the scary death was a cave they already walked through. I see them resting and joyous while we are bracing for the hardest holiest part of the climb.

This has never been a race and we all know it. I am very happy for them, I love to see them in their celebration. Today, I feel like an earthly echo of a heavenly scene. They are lucky. Being at the top they can scan the whole valley beneath them, this beautiful natural world and the delights of being human.

Worth Repeating - Two Easters One Christ
Originally Published Friday, March 21, 2008 at 07:55AM

Today in normal time Western Christendom focuses on the Crucifixion of Jesus Christ in passion plays and church services of many styles because it is Good Friday, while for the East houses of worship are dark and parking lots empty. This Sunday the difference will be a little more dramatic. Joyous children of the West, whose mothers are dawning Easter bonnets and whose baskets brim with chocolate bunnies, jelly beans, and sugary peeps will celebrate the end of the long sacrificial Lent while in the East the most devout will be grateful for a little olive oil and a sip of wine.

The rest of the world looks on shaking their heads and wondering what the scandal was that caused the marriage of the West and East to fail. Then they shrug their shoulders and go back to hot dogs and a ball game.

And yet no one seems to think twice that while it’s daytime in Dayton, they are sleeping in Slovakia and yet there is only one sun. Geography shows us how it is possible to be far apart and yet similar. The truth is that there is only one Son of God: Jesus Christ, and one day: Friday upon which He was nailed to the Cross, and one day on which He showed the world that it didn’t really kill Him. For West and East alike, that is every Friday and every Sunday.

For those who only commemorate Good Friday once a year and Easter once a year there is a big difference between Western and the Eastern Christendom. These precious folks may not be aware of Church-time. They think we aren’t celebrating together, but they are wrong because we are celebrating together. While the one sister is celebrating quietly the other sister is all showy adorned with baubles and bells. While the sun shines in Slovakia, sleeping Susie in Dayton dreams. They are living in the same moments of time, and so is Christendom.

Calendars, our two ways of calculating when we want to be loud, have not separated us as much as some think. The most wonderful part of it all happens when we cross the street to cry louder with our sister on her Good Friday and rejoice raising that glass of wine on Sunday giggling about the holy supernatural phenomenon that happens when the Son rises in the West first. Both good sisters know that it is not ever really normal time in Christendom anyway.


Mountain hikers know that it is around the middle of the mountain where the mind and heart receive a jolt of perspective. We feel more in the present than ever. We are more aware of our surroundings, and less conscious of the world below. We are determined to push through the huffing and puffing, the exhaustion and sweat to reach the top. We won't be doing this much longer, so let's get the most out of every step.

Lenten mountain hikers set the bonds of physical pleasure aside by strict fasting ultimately to receive a heightened awareness of Christ's achievement and joy of the resurrection.

Are we masochists? No; we are Christs voluntarily suffering in order to participate in our small way with Christ's passion Who through His own voluntary suffering achieved the reunion of humanity with our Creator, and ultimately the annihilation of death.

More than in suffering the enmity of humans, and their gross injustice during His arrest, trial and crucifixion, Christ lead the way to humanity's Grand Reunion with God by demonstrating to us a trusting and prayerful life. Union with God takes prayer.

While our bodies physically climb this rugged mountain, our minds and hearts are freed up to leap to the summit by speaking and listening to our God in whose image and likeness we were formed. Made to be like God, let's actively seek the union that He initiated with a Lenten life of continual prayer as Jesus Christ showed us.

Our friends, the Saints, on prayer:

Saint Peter of Damaskos- Spiritual prayer is a discipline that is offered by the intellect and free from all thoughts. During such prayer the intellect is concentrated within the words spoken, and expressly contrite, it abased itself before God, asking only that His will may be done in all its pursuits and conceptions. It does not pay attention to any thought, shape, color, light, fire, or anything at all of the kind; but, conscious that it is watched by God and communing with Him alone, it is free from firm, color and shape.

Let us pray for those whom we have distressed and those who distress us, or who will distress us, because we don't want to harbor the least trace of rancor, and because we fear that on account of our own weakness we will not be able to endure with forbearance when the time comes or to pray for those who mistreat us, as the Lord commands. (Luke 6:28)

We also pray to be directed by God and to become what He wishes us to be; and to be united with others, so that through their prayers we may receive mercy, all the while regarding them as superior to ourselves.

When we make specific requests in our prayers, this is not so as to inform God, for He already knows our hearts; we make them so that we may be brought to contrition. We also do it because we desire to remain longer in His presence, attentively addressing more words to Him, giving thanks to Him, acknowledging the many blessings we receive from Him, for as long as we can, as Saint John Chrysostom says of the Prophet David. For to repeat the same or similar things again and again is not to talk garrulously or haphazardly, since it is done out of longing and so that the words of Divine Scripture should be imprinted in the intellect of whoever is reading or praying.

You do not praise a pot on the grounds that it has made itself; you praise its maker. And when it is broken, you blame whoever broke it, not its maker.

Saint John Climacus - Step 28 (of 30) Prayer is by nature a dialog and a union of man with God. It's effect is to hold the world together. It is an expiation of sin, a bridge across temptation, a bulwark against affliction. It wipes out conflict, is the work of angels, and is the nourishment of all bodiless beings. Prayer is future gladness, action without end, wellspring of virtues, source of grace, hidden progress, food of the soul, enlightenment of the mind, an axe against despair, hope demonstrated, sorrow done away with. It is a mirror of progress, a demonstration of success, evidence of one's condition, the future revealed, a sign of glory. For the man who prays it is the court, the judgment hall, the tribunal of the Lord.

Heartfelt thanksgiving should have first place in our book of prayer. Next should be confession and genuine contrition of soul. After that should come our request to the universal King. This method is best, as one of the brothers was told by an angel of the Lord.

You cannot learn to see just because someone tells you to do so. For that, you require your own natural power of sight. In the same way, you cannot discover from teaching others the beauty of prayer. Prayer has its own teacher in God, who 'teaches man knowledge' (Psalm 93:10). He grants the prayer of him who prays, and He blesses the years of the just.

Third Sunday, Elevation of the Cross - Saint Basil

After grabbing onto Saint Anthony's hand last week, a most divine force plummeted me up and away from a gaggle of demons. Although I begged for such help, I didn't expect to receive it. I feel as if a malignancy was removed from my soul. I also feel numb, as if recovering from anesthesia. A sense of peace and calm has accompanied me the last few miles of our hike up Lenten Mountain. I am humbled and grateful, very grateful.

Have you noticed a fog coming in and going out? It's comforting to know that you are with me, that we are all hiking together. I can almost hear your footsteps behind and in front of me. It's also good to see the trail from thousands of feet before us.

I wonder where will we meet the next Saint? Oh Look! Down there, a glowing piece of paper! Perhaps on it is written a message for us. I reach down and brush away some old leaves and pick it up. The glowing paper reads.

Saint Basil's letter to Saint Gregory of Nazianzus at the beginning of Basil's retirement to Pontus in about 358. Basil constantly endeavored to induce Gregory to join him in his monastic life.

"I recognized your letter, just as men recognize the children of their friends by the parent's likeness appearing in them. For when you say that the nature of our surroundings would not greatly tend to implant in your soul a desire to live with us until you should learn something of our habits and mode of life, it is truly characteristic of your mind and worthy of your soul, which counts all things of this earth as nothing compared with the promised bliss which is in store for us.

But I am ashamed to write what I myself do day and night in this out of the way place. For I have indeed left my life in the city, as giving rise to countless evils, but I have not yet been able to leave myself behind. On the contrary, I am like those who go to sea, and because they have no experience in sailing are very distressed and sea sick, and complain of the size of the boat as causing the violent tossing; and then when they leave the ship and take to the dinghy or the cock-boat, they continue to be seasick and distressed wherever they are; for their nausea and bile go with them when they change. We carry our indwelling disorders about with us, and so we are nowhere free from the same sort of disturbances. Consequently we have derived no great benefit from our present solitude. What we ought to do, however, and what would have enabled us to keep close to the footsteps of Him who pointed the way to salvation (for He says, "If any man will come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me") is this.

We must try to keep the mind in tranquility. For just as the eye which constantly shifts its gaze, now turning to the right or to the left, now incessantly peering up and down, cannot see distinctly what lies before it, but the sight must be fixed firmly on the object in view if one would make his vision of it clear, so too man's mind when distracted by his countless worldly cares cannot focus itself distinctly on the truth. Nay, he who is not yet yoked in the bonds of matrimony is greatly disturbed by violent desires, rebellious impulses, and morbid lusts; while he who is already bound in wedlock is seized by yet another tumult of cares; if childless, by a longing for children, if possessing children, by solitude for their nurture, by keeping watch over his wife, by the management of his household, the protection of his servants' rights, losses on contracts, quarrels with neighbors, contests in the law courts, risks of business, or the labours of the farm. Every day brings with it some particular cloud to darken the soul; and night takes over the cares of the day; deluding the mind with the same cares in fantasy.

There is but one escape from all this -- separation from the world altogether. But withdrawal from the world does not mean bodily removal from it, but rather the severance of the soul from sympathy with the body, and the giving up city, home, personal possessions, love of friends, property, means of subsistence, business, social relations, and knowledge derived from human teaching; and it also means the readiness to receive in ones heart the impressions engendered there by divine instruction. And making the heart ready for this means the unlearning of the teachings which already possess it, derived from bad habits. For it is no more possible to write in wax without first smoothing away the letters previously written thereon, than it is to apply the soul with divine teachings without first removing its preconceptions derived from habit. Now to this end solitude gives us the greatest help, since it calms our passions, and gives reason leisure to sever them completely from the soul. For just as animals are easily subdued by caresses; so desire, anger, fear and grief, the venomous evils which beset the soul, if they are lulled to sleep by solitude and are not exasperated by constant irritations, are more easily subdued by the influence of reason. Therefore let the place of retirement be such as ours, so separated from the intercourse of men that the continuity of our religious discipline may not be interrupted by any external distraction.

The discipline of piety nourishes the soul with divine thoughts. What then is more blessed than to imitate on earth the anthem of Angels' choirs; to hasten to prayer at the very break of day, and to worship our Creator with hymns and songs; then, when the sun shines brightly and we turn to our tasks, prayer attending us wherever we go, to season our labours with sacred song as food with salt? For that state of the soul in which there is joy and no sorrow is a boon bestowed by the consolation of hymns. ..."

Looks like we found the fragrant basil growing that pointed out to us where the Cross had been. I think Basil is telling us to seek and grab on to this unusual peace I have sensed. Let this journey be focused on its summit. Thank you Basil. You have given us momentum to reach the next plateau.

Devils, Demons, and Defiance

This is the end of our second week. I am being reminded of how the devil usually jabs me harder during Lent than at other times. I don't know if that is really true, but I know that I am being besieged heavily these days. If I had nothing to do but to sit quietly in my log cabin and stoke the wood stove between cups of tea and chapters full of holy words, and if day after day I could break from my reading to stroll through the snowy woods to pray, I'm sure that I could fly up to Pascha like a carefree angel. Then, at the moment that Salome announces that He is risen, I would sing 'Hallelujah' in perfect harmony with the crowd while holding my brightly burning candle in my wax-dripped hand joining its glow with my own.

Instead, conflicts, like bowling balls are careening towards me to knock me down and out. Bruised, I manage to get back up, again and again, brush off the dust of disappointment and remember that it's Lent. So I look around for the outstretched fingers of a saint to grab onto.

Last night I obeyed the fast* to the letter, and did not even use oil in my dinner. It made me feel good to deny myself that embellishment to my vegetables. Experience has taught me that self control will make me feel lighter and stronger by Easter. Every day of success climbs, and every day of rationalizing the rules away sits still.

Last night too I read my bookclub book, Lost City of Z, about Percy Harrison Fawcett who explored and mapped the Amazon at the beginning of the 20th century. I was in awe of what he was willing to endure against the devastating obstacles of heat, the dense jungle, innumerable vicious pests and disease. Compared to Fawcett's Amazonian exploits our Lenten climb seems risk-free.

Or is that an illusion? Forces that are out to destroy us would rather destroy our souls instead of our bodies. Each body dies one way or another, but only the most demon defiant souls will be given death-resistant bodies in kingdom come. Lenten disciplines help us strengthen our souls to combat deadly evil.

Time will whisk each and every one of us to Easter whether we climb the mountain or lounge around the beach. Oh! but the view of the resurrection is so much better from the top of the mountain of Lent.

Enough musing; I must try harder to climb. Where are those fingers I spotted stretched to grab my hand? There they are, I said to myself stretching as far as I could to meet them. "Come closer, I can't reach you." I cried desperate for help. "Closer!" Oh my! Who are you?" I asked.

" Anthony of the desert." He replied softly.

"Oh, help me Saint Anthony," I cried. "I need to get away from these maddening bowling balls!"

Then he replied,

** "Know this: that the demons have not been created like what we mean when we call them by that name; for God made nothing evil, but they have been made good. Having fallen, however, from the heavenly wisdom, since then they have been grovelling on earth. On the one hand they deceived the Greeks with their displays, while out of envy of us Christians they move all things in their desire to hinder us from entry into the heavens; in order that we should not ascend up there from whence they fell.

Thus there is need of much prayer and discipline, that when a man has received through the Spirit the gift of discerning spirits, he may have power to recognize their characteristics: which of them are less and which are more evil; of what nature is the special pursuit of each, and how each of them is overthrown and cast out. For their villanies and plots are many. The blessed Apostle and his followers knew such things when they said, (in Corinthians 2:11) and we from the temptations we have suffered at their hands, ought to correct one another under them. Wherefore I, having had proof of them, speak as to children.

Wherefore, children, let us holdfast our discipline, and let us not be careless. For in it the Lord is our fellow worker, as it is written, to all that choose the good, God works with them for good.

Let the desire of possession take hold of no one, for what gain is it to acquire things which we cannot take with us?

Why not rather get those things which we can take away with us -- to whit, prudence, justice, temperance, courage, understanding, love, kindness to the poor, faith in Christ, freedom from wrath, hospitality. If we possess these, we shall find them of themselves preparing for us a welcome there in the land of the meek hearted."

"Thank you Saint Anthony." I replied, "I understand. You defy demons with your discerning eye and counter them with goodness, not giving them too much attention, but rather storing up your treasures in heaven. I'll try." Then it occurred to me that with such good advice, I might be able to jump up to the next plateaux and avoid those bowling balls at the same time. Brilliant idea!

Orthodox Christian fast is to abstain from anything that has blood. This rule forbids eating any dairy, fish or meat products for every day of Lent, including the weekends. Shellfish such as shrimp, clams, muscles, are acceptable. Olive oil and wine are also forbidden during the week, but according to the current Orthodox calendar are acceptable on Saturday and Sunday. Fish is allowed on March 25th: the Feast of the Annunciation, and on Palm Sunday.
* Life of Saint Anthony of Egypt by Saint Athanasius

The Climbing Party

This year let's call our friends, the Saints, to help us climb this rugged mountain of Lent whose pinnacle is the Resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. No matter how uncomfortable the trek before us may be, let's be determined to leave the chaos of the earth behind and draw as near as possible to the peaceful kingdom of God.

Ordinarily we Christians live on two planes; one is holy and the other profane. The secular layer with all of its demands to satisfy the body and ego with food, shelter, and power is rife with conflict and death. The secular world demands our full attention and usually gets it. The holy plane is the quiet and demure kingdom of God which resides in our hearts, in sacred books, (which are the depositories of holy minds,) in churches, and on mountaintops!

God likes mountaintops for the open and clean space up there. Heat rises. Vapor rises. People climb. Mountaintops are in the world but not of it, as we aspire to be. So, let's start climbing. The words of the saints will be our lanterns, ropes, and the arms that grab our own to lift us to the next plateau. Who is the first Saint to give us a leg up?

Saint John Climacus author of The Ladder of Divine Ascent

Saint John lived in the Sinai desert, at the foot of Moses' Mount that rises to nearly 7,500 feet. As the Abbot of The Monastery of Saint Katherine in the Sinai, his wisdom and guidance were so valuable that towards the end of his life, his peer, John, abbot of a nearby monastery Raithu requested that he write this book to guide future monks. While his book has inspired monasteries full of monks and clergy for centuries, lay people also benefit from this famous mountain climber's wisdom.

The Ladder of Divine Ascent gives us thirty steps to reach our mountaintop. To read this book during Lent, is to take the climb with the master Abba.

Before we begin, look up.

Step 1 - Renunciation of Life.
Step 2 - On Detachment
Step 3 - On Exile
Step 4 - On Obedience
Step 5 - On Penitence
Step 6 - On Remembrance of Death
Step 7 - On Mourning
Step 8 - On Placidity and Meekness
Step 9 - On Malice
Step 10 - On Slander
Step 11 - On Talkativeness and Silence
Step 12 - On Falsehood
Step 13 - On Despondency
Step 14 - On Gluttony
Step 15 - On Chastity
Step 16 - On Avarice
Step 17 - On Poverty
Step 18 - On Insensitivity
Step 19 - On Sleep. Prayer, and the Singing in Church of Psalms
Step 20 - On Alertness
Step 21 - On Unmanly Fears
Step 22 - On Vainglory
Step 23 - On Pride
Step 24 - On Meekness, Simplicity, Guilessness, and Wickedness
Step 25 - On Humility
Step 26 - On Discernment
Step 27 - On Stillness
Step 28 - On Prayer
Step 29 - On Dispassion
Step 30 - On Faith, Hope, and Love

To think that we have already reached Step 30 is to believe the illusion that the first few feet up is the top of the mountain. Men and women who have actually reached Step 30 can walk on water and raise the dead.

Your thought for the second week of our hike from Abba John is, "It is detestable and dangerous for a wrestler to be slack at the start of a contest, thereby giving proof of his impending defeat to everyone. Let us have a firm beginning to our religious life (read:climb), for this will help us if a certain slackness comes later. A bold and eager soul will be spurred on by the memory of its first zeal and new wings can thus be obtained.

When the soul betrays itself, when that initial happy warmth grows cold, the reasons for such a loss ought to be carefully sought and, once found, ought to be combatted with all possible zeal, for the initial fervor has to turn back through the same gate through which it has slipped away. The man who leaves the world because of fear is like burning incense, which begins with fragrance and ends in smoke. The man who leaves the world in hopes of a reward is like the millstone that always turns around on the same axis. But the man who leaves the world for love of God has taken fire from the start, and like fire set to fuel, it soon created a conflagration.

We should love the Lord as we do our friends. Many a time I have seen people bring grief to God, without being bothered about it, and I have seen these very same people resort to every device, plan, pressure, plea from themselves and their friends, and every gift, simply to restore an old relationship upset by some minor grievance.

At the beginning of our religious life, (read: climb) we cultivate the virtues, and we do so with toil and difficulty. Progressing a little, we then lose our sense of grief or retain very little of it. But when our mortal intelligence turns to zeal and is mastered by it, then we work with full joy, determination, desire, and a holy flame."

We will go back to our Master Climber from time to time, but you are better off reading the whole mountain...I mean book.

Preface to Lent

This year I feel as if I am climbing into Lent. I am scaling a bare rocky mountain with heavy boots over muddy feet. I am desperate for the clean thin air at the top. I hope to find a cave along the way where I can rest in darkness and wait for the Holy Spirit to visit me with His wisdom. Please Lord, I beg you to remove these boots and purify my polluted soul.

Forty days Noah and his family sat in the ark waiting for God to cleanse the world with rain and death. Will Lent be that way for me? Will prayer and fasting clean my muddy feet?

For forty years the people of God journeyed away from their life of slavery to reach the promise land. During that journey they confronted hunger and fear, miracles and apostasy. Most of them died along the way because their lack of faith and humility disqualified them from receiving God's gift of freedom. Will I make it to freedom of sin and my own death, or will my failure cause me to perish along the way?

Lord, help me climb to the top of Sinai and Tabor too. I want to hear your instructions, and rest in your light, away from the chaos and faithlessness of the world below. My dangling foot is searching Your hand. I need a boost. My slippery hands are clinging to this rock. 'Evangeline, "Don't look down."

Awe Struck!

It occurred to me this final week of Lent that the problem with trying so hard to be in Christ and to be aware of Christ in me is that when He fit into Jesus’ divine humanity, God shrunk about as much as He possibly can. He can’t fit in me, maybe not even with Christ’s help.  To spend all of this Lenten time and Lenten energy to become fully aware of the magical majestic magnificent miracle of comingling my own humble humanity with divinity could very well be an absurd and impossible feat, even with all of this prayer and fasting and going to church.

Maybe this is the phase that all lofty endeavors experience, when thoughts of abandoning the quest seem super-rational, and the quest starts to tarnish. After all who am I to dare toy with the grand notion that I could be a cell, even an airy spirit cell, in the body of the creative, luminous, intelligent, awesome Trinity?   Slap my face and bite my tongue, I say!

Please don’t misunderstand me; I am infinitely grateful to Jesus the Christ for building the bridge to reunion with our Creator and God, the Father. Being tossed out of the Garden of Eden has been hell. Without Jesus, we would have no hope whatsoever of living with God forever. Death, whether it is the separation-from-God kind that makes us distrust Him, or it is the last-heartbeat-kind, death haunts this outcast soul. Christ appearing like a resurrected Adam from straight out of the Garden was and still is a shock to humanity.

As loving as He is, Jesus digs one pitfall for aspiring immortals. His familiar humanity blinds us to God’s infinity. How can I be in Christ-God when I can’t even imagine what that means?

Pal Jesus, brother Jesus, servant washing apostles’ dirty feet, I’m afraid that your humanity causes me to lose touch with reality. So before I climb Golgotha, dragging my heavy cross remind me of who You are.

Reality check: PTL.

Lord, God, Creator God

Father of my fathers

Light of the Sun

Languageless Word

Author of Love

Pure, unchanging, unwavering Will

Will to heal

Will to unite

Father forgiver, tolerant and wise

Patient and good

Light-years beyond human frailty, intellect

Author of righteousness

Maker of earth and heaven

Playmate of time

I can’t reach you.

Even with my Easter lily,

Even with my white candle glowing.

How can you hope for my eternal life?

I can’t reach you.

Christ bending so low on the Cross to grab my hand,

and I can’t even stretch far enough

to tap His golden toe in the moment when He dares to be only mortal

because I am blinded by His awesome celestial glorious splendid vast wonderful light.



Week Three

I survived my week in hell, but not before making an utter fool of myself before God and a couple of brothers. Of the thousands of movies I’ve seen, and the tens of thousands of quotable lines in them, the one that struck a lasting chord of perfect pitch in me came out of Steve Martin’s mouth in Father of the Bride. He said, “I come from a long line of over reactors.” When I heard that for the first time I underwent a catharsis of hysterics. Suddenly I was no longer totally responsible for my emotional tantrums; my ancestors helped me to carry the blame. I laughed out loud in the heartiest most joyful expression of relief, and since then from time to time I remember the line with no diminution of joy.

It is when I need forgiveness the most, that of course I deserve it the least. Being haunted by my own weakness, as I approached the cleansing purifying Chalice on Sunday, I wondered if I could forgive myself. Weakness is the wrong word. It tries to erase blame. There was no weakness, it was a voluntary and intentional performance staged to express the tumult I felt, like a pinball being jettisoned not just by flippers but in a sea of currents screaming to bust through the wall of conflict, when I should have been a meek and faithful lamb. It doesn’t help at all that I am reading Mark Twain’s Recollections of Joan of Arc. Worse yet, I am at the part in the book that describes her at her trial. Here stands young Joan firm and strong before the most evil opposition. The contrast is humiliating. Please reader of mine, read Twain’s book for the most inspiring tale of a true immortal.

I look ahead at this week with renewed commitment to find my way into the very heart of Christ so I can consciously join Him at the moment when He reunites humanity to God to make the new Eden possible, even here and now. To listen to the echoes of my failure is to deny the power of the Blood. This is a new day in a new week and I have only to experience what is true and real and before me now. I mustn’t look back, but rather set my hand to the plow.

During this Lent in my writing, I am intentionally not on another journey likes the ones you have joined me on so many times before, such as when we walked the Exodus together, or rode in the bubble during Creation (that was fun!). Nope, no journey this time. I know that most aspiring immortals call Lent a journey, but not me, not this year. I don’t want to go from here to there; instead in stillness I want to become aware of being in Christ and He in me. Awareness is no journey, it is an awakening. It is truth revealed in the midst of powerful lies, distortions are like wavy mirrors at the carnival that tickle us with our false reflections. Awareness of truth is the first speck of sunrise over the ocean illuminating what had sat in darkness.

Of course I need help to become aware of being in Christ, the help one can only get from a friendly immortal or an aspiring immortal. I started Lent with one such man, Nicholas Cabasilas, but then needed to put him down for book club assignments and the occasional treat, Joan of Arc. I am almost finished with my book club assignment, Uncle Tom’s Cabin is a beautiful book about how the true Christianity of both Negroes and Caucasians helped to overcome and ultimately to extinguish evil slavery. After the meeting tomorrow, I hope to shed the scales from my eyes and tell you what I see. Till then, adieu.

Death for Dinner

As should be expected during Lent or any other time of a special push toward holiness, the Divider has appeared to challenge me. You know him, the Diabolo, the spirit-guy who assigned himself, or was assigned, to mislead and trip those on the path to the land of immortality, lest riffraff be allowed into Kingdom Come.

As my beloved mom would say, “you know it’s not always happy-happy.” Well it sure ain’t happy now. I have been pushed away by someone I want most to be united with because I unintentionally offended her. I have been caste into outer darkness. I am dumbfounded because what I saw as small, she sees as huge. What I would laugh off, she is using as a hot twirling sword to cut me off. So now I am in hell during Lent.

If the Orthodox theologians have it right, there are no parties in hell. All the faithless people who like to imagine physical death to be either an eternal dreamless sleep or a big party in a hot place, all those people should make some room in their equations for the saintly prophesized probability that a non-stop severe loneliness is behind the curtain they have chosen. Hell is being cut off from others, especially those we love, and now I get to feel what that is like. Sometimes I want to weep and sometimes gnash my teeth but mostly I weep!

One thing I should know is to stop eating what el Diabolo is feeding me for dinner. This is Lent; I am supposed to be fasting, so why do I gorge myself on thoughts of the pain of separation. Worse yet, why do I chew and chew, taking these thoughts to fantastic hellish conclusions or relating them to past tumultuous nightmares like a kid picks at an old scab until it starts bleeding again, a fresh new wound to inflict upon myself as if the enemy wasn’t bad enough. With fervor, I join el Diabolo to pierce the heart of Evangeline and watch her slowly bleed to death.

Silly child, it is time to stop wolfing down the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of evil and cling to God for life.

The film Forrest Gump was rich in symbolism. My favorite scene was when legless Lieutenant Dan shimmied up the pole in Forrest’s shrimp boat and was yelling at God in the storm. He clung to that pole for dear life. Poor Dan had confused life with death and death with life, clinging to a dead pole yelling at Life to be damned. It’s a normal mistake.

Life is union with God because he is the Creator of Life! In or out of this fleshiness, death is nothing more than separation from God. Love is union with others made in His image and likeness which is why most everyone wants love so much and why we pursue it in any old form. Life = love = union. God unites, the devil separates.

Ah math and philosophy help me feel better!

The pain of rejection is a dinner of death and as if I was starving I am eating it.

The only way to fight the divider, el Diabolo and fight I must, wimp that I am, is to cling to God like Lt. Dan clung to the pole in the storm.

The only way to cling to God is to think and behave like Him. Go the second mile, love my enemies, unite whenever possible rather than divide further.

Oh geez, I am having such a craving for an ice cream cone right now. That was a bad joke. It means to fast from food, especially during this volatile period of the Great and Holy Lent, is effective if it can make me strong enough to fast from death in all of its familiar diabolical forms.

It is not in my power to bring my beloved back. I can’t control her heart. There must be something about this separation that comforts her. So instead I should reject that death sandwich and focus on loving God, then perhaps He will grant my wish and bring my beloved back to me, because He can control her heart. This is a difficult challenge but our God won’t have wimps in Kingdom Come.

The Good Family

So far the family reunion is everything I hoped for. The first couple of days were spent getting ready. My brother Lar and I were determined to obey our strict but loving Mother by not eating anything, not even a crumb of bread. We had never done that before, but you know, it wasn’t so hard. In fact it made me think about how Jesus didn’t eat for forty days and then he was hungry. Yes, I felt weak but I was supposed to. She said that the hunger would make me more aware of my dependence on God. If only I could always be aware of my dependence on God more than on my dependence on food, I would probably be thinner and less cocky.

Then, on the third day my dream came true. I still didn’t eat anything and I was amazed that I hadn’t so I started to feel hungry. That was like when Peter tried to walk on the water. When he became aware of how crazy that was he started to sink. Afraid of angering Jesus too, I stopped thinking about being hungry. In the evening Lar and I went to visit Mother and the family at a place called Saint George. We read psalms and prayers with lots of brothers and sisters and we broke the fast with the Body and Blood of Christ. He tasted so good and felt so warm and smooth as He traveled into my heart. Then, like the family we are, we all went into a big room full of tables and ate bean soup together. I gave Lar two bowls because he is so big and there was enough left over. He ate them faster than you can spit.

The best part was, and I’m so glad to have this to tell you, that the most important brother in the whole wide world came to be with us and talk to us about God. When he was born his mom named him Timothy and his father ended it with Ware, but now his names have more syllables than most. Met-ro-pol-i-tan-Kal-li-stos. Try to say that fast three times! This man turned a giant light on for the English speaking world by translating so many saintly writings and by writing about the Mother [Church], her background and her ways, things that Greeks and Russians took for granted but had been all darkness to English speakers until God sent Timothy on his mission. I could cry when I think about how different my world would be if little Timothy didn’t love God so much.

I can’t tell you everything he said to us but I will tell you what struck me like little bolts of lightning and made me smile. He came to tell us about how our God is a trinity and even though that concept is a mystery, some of the multitudinous mysterious aspects of it can be described, first by contrast with the one monolithic God of the Jews and Moslems. A monolithic idea of God isn’t very sociable. But a triune Godhead is very sociable because it loves each of its Selves and in the same way God loves each and every one of us humans. So, when Kallistos says God, he thinks all three-Father, Son, and Holy Spirit together. Then, he got all intellectual and quoted Lossky to tell us that he said “The doctrine of the Trinity is the cross for human thought.” I suppose he said that so we wouldn’t get too comfortable by thinking that everything else he would say was really so simple. I wonder if Lossky’s powerful quote means that we have to completely surrender to the whole intricate concept of a triune God like Christ surrendered to death.

What really hit me was that the Trinity doesn’t have free will like we humans do who go this way and that and who change like butterflies. Each Person, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit conform to one will, called the will of God. It is probably better to think of it as the Will of the Father. We are so hot about having free will like it is everything, but when I think that Jesus and the Holy Spirit don’t have free will, well, I have to tell you, I am glad. That’s why we can trust God so much. Because He isn’t going to change His mind tomorrow about what He wants to do with us. Maybe free will isn’t so great; maybe not as great as joining God in His will. Wait a second; that reminds me! “Thy Will be done.” Maybe the best of us don’t want free will either; those who give their free wills back to God.

Because God is social, to be social is Godlike. Hell is self cut off from others. Kallistos went on and on about how wrong it is to be alone or to love yourself, which I suppose is an oxymoron since love must involve another person.

Kallistos said there is only one choice and that is to either join the Trinity or hell. Then he really opened it up by adding that all forms of community, schools, governments, businesses, families, churches should all be forms of the Trinity where mutual love and respect are free from oppression, and coercion.

When he prays, Kallistos is aware that it is not a dialogue between him and God, but rather he is taken up into their exchange of love. Sometimes he sees flashes of the Trinity inside of him conversing with each other. I suppose that happens when you and I pray too but we aren’t looking out for it, not until now at least.

I asked him how God could love everyone since so many people were so self absorbed or mean. He gave me a good answer, something I can think about for a long time. It was a gift.

He said that God made each person to be very unique. That sure is true! Well, so God loves each person uniquely. He expects different things from each person. Not us, we expect the same thing from everyone which is why we get so angry with them. What a better way God has!

This wonderful family gathering gave me two Lenten homework assignments, 1) to love people as God does by remembering the uniqueness of each person, and 2) when I pray, to listen for God talking to Himselves. 


Goodbye world, I have to go to Lent now. Well, I admit I don’t have to go but I want to, I really want to go. It’s not that I don’t love you; perhaps I love you too much, the way you sit right smack in front of my face day and night so I can barely see God or sometimes even our Mother [the Church]. I have gotten used to that. I don’t like it, but I must say you have grown on me, like a tree that grows wrapped around a rock.

I won’t miss your brashness though. I must say good bye and I want you to respect that. I may have to fight you to get you out of my line of sight, so that’s why I want to have this talk right here and now; why I want to say good bye and I want you to leave me be.

My Mother needs me so I can’t play with you. It is our family holiday. All of Her children come together and we focus, we really focus on our Father and our own family. We will visit with our invisible brothers and sisters; we will sit at the feet of the sages and listen to their words of wisdom. It’s so wonderful! Maybe if we are lucky, really lucky God’s light will shine on us and in us. Some of my brothers and sisters light up like flood lights, it’s so cool to see! Our Father makes us feel so warm and loved. He plants us in His garden and waters us and shines on us and watches us grow up high towards Him. We become like a field of tulips, but we are still people, His very own people, His children and no one else’s.

No! You can’t come with me. That would wreck the whole thing! Don’t you see? It’s you that we need to separate from. You have no idea whatsoever of what I am really talking about. You are blind and ignorant and mean and busy and arrogant and stupid and selfish and shortsighted and I am really and truly sick of you. I can’t tell you in strong enough words how happy I am that my family goes on this vacation together every year…away from you!

I suppose being angry is not a good way to start this trip. I am sorry. I know you can’t help being what you are.

Okay, I’ll try again. Goodbye world. I must leave, but whether I like it or not, I will return and you can have me back. Before I go I want to thank you for all that you have done for me. Thank you for money because it has taught me so much and helped me to mature when I had none of it and when I had enough for anything I wanted to buy from you. It has helped me to be generous and if it wasn’t for you I couldn’t have used money to love people with.  I also want to thank you for the entertainment, books, movies, music, natural catastrophes, politics -- all those things you do so well to mesmerize us. You have very successfully enticed me, as I said before, probably too much. Oh, the food and drink, anything I want whenever I want it! Good job. The flavors and textures and the intoxication—all terrific. I can’t hate you for that—just for sucking me in so much with them. Not your fault, my fault.

That’s why I need to leave and I am so glad for the family reunion.

Listen body, I know you probably don’t want to go because you and world are so tight, but just cooperate for fifty short days and I’ll send you back. I need you to help me to get to the reunion. You are so much like money you should be considered twins of the world the way you help and hurt with equal enthusiasm, and how equally you can help me reach either the heights or the depths of life on this planet.  But it’s only with your cooperation that we can find our way to the reunion. You can be a real hero! Please don’t put up a fight, say good bye and let’s go.

Oh, two last things I want to say to the world before I leave. First, I want to tell you how cool it is that you are celebrating Valentine’s Day today, this day before I start my trip away from you. It shows me that you can see a glimpse of where my family and I are going and what we will do there. How sweet. I wish you could celebrate Love more often. But I gotta tell you, it’s much more than chocolate, roses, and body stuff. And lastly, I need to say, you will see me during Lent but please DON’T EVEN SAY HELLO.

Good bye!

The Secret Christmas


I don’t know what is more thrilling, the weeks before Christmas or the weeks before Lent. Funny I should compare them because on the surface they seem to be opposites. Christmas is jammed packed with sights and sounds and Lent is relatively empty.

But I am almost as excited about Lent coming as I was about Christmas coming. Maybe Lent is the other Christmas, the secret Christmas of the soul. Instead of preparing with almost everyone else in town, I am preparing for Jesus’ re-birth inside of me all by myself. No songs, no gifts, no sparkling trees inside or out.

Phase one is just watching myself live and think and notice the things that I am doing now that I won’t be doing during Lent. I know I could just stop doing them now, but that would be like opening my presents early. Nope, I’ll just wait. If I am fully in this time and place now, then the contrast will be better and perhaps it will be easier to hear God then, like suddenly turning off the radio.

Meanwhile I can start packing. Pick out books I want to read, decide what to cut out and what to add in its place. And wait, just pure waiting, like for my turn at the doctor’s office or for the airplane to board. Waiting is a whole other space in time that, like pockets, can come in handy.

I hope I will get lots of terrific presents from God this Lent. How about you? What are you wishing for?   

Two Wait for Lent

This coming Wednesday my sister from out West will have ashes placed on her forehead and then she will go to her job looking humble and lovely. I am so happy for her. In two weeks we plan to meet-up and then for a while we will climb the holy mountain together! I know it won’t be easy and we will have to take turns giving each other lifts over big fallen tree trunks but when we get there we will be radiant and beautiful like brides.

Today I am sitting and waiting on a big rock that looks like the little toe of the mountain’s foot. When I look up I can’t even see the top for all the trees. There aren’t too many people here yet. This is where all of the aspiring immortals will meet leaving behind the billions of mortals who don’t like to climb or who don’t believe that there is anything special at the top. I am here early, not because I want to be at the beginning of the line, that would never happen since my sister will go first, but just because I feel so sluggish and dirty and I know that this is where I must go to get better.

While I’m sitting here waiting I wonder why Jesus went into the wilderness for 40 whole starving days after He was baptized. I wonder if it had anything to do with the 40 days that Noah and his family had to deal with the devastating rains, or the 40 days that Moses spent with God when he received the Ten Commandments from Him. I wonder if Jesus, when He was in the desert for 40 days, thought about how His ancestors ate manna for 40 years after they left Pharaoh's grip in Egypt or about how they wandered through the desert for another 40 years of punishment because when they went to spy out the promised land (for 40 days) everyone but Joshua and Caleb didn't trust God that it could be theirs and if all this has anything to do with the fact that Jesus, after the resurrection walked around the earth for 40 days, eating and drinking, and visiting with His friends before He went to stay in God.

I read that God kept the Israelites wandering for 40 years to reach the Promised Land to humble and to test them, to know what was in their heart, whether or not they would keep His commands. Maybe forty years is a time of real testing and forty days is the tenth tithe part of that, the triumphant cream on top for people like Noah and Moses and Jesus who God already knows and simply wants to talk with or to protect. As for me during the forty day climb, I wonder if I should pretend that I’m in the ark hiding from all the deadliness around me or that every day of Lent is like a year of eating manna and being guided by a cloud to the Promised Land.

While I’m sitting here and waiting for everyone to show up and for the march to begin I also wonder why the difference between the word immortal and the word immoral is just one little ‘t’ in the middle and if that has anything to do with the big wooden T that tried to kill Christ forever. The + separates the immorals from the immortals. Hey, I like that!