Part 7 in the series God the Love Story Autumn
I could not believe that the Commander was leaving me! He had hardly taught me any of the commands. I didn‘t know whether or not I should get up and chase after him? I still didn’t know enough of the commands to be able to resist corruption and mortality. I felt doomed. As my mind grappled with these thoughts he was getting farther away from me and it would be harder to catch up on those awful pebbles. I had no choice so why was I wasting time?
Without another thought I stood up and tried to run after him. My feet hurt terribly but I couldn’t allow myself to think about that.
“Commander, wait for me! I need you! Please don’t go!” I shouted as loud as I could.
To make matters worse a forceful cold wind blew in from the mountainside. I wasn’t prepared. The wind was getting stronger and stronger. It was a tornado-wind and not empty either, sand from under the pebbles filled the air so I could hardly see as I tried desperately to scurry up to the commander who never even looked back for me.
“Fairies help me!” I shouted as my body pushed against the wind. This time they didn’t come.
“You will never make it! He left you because you are a pathetic creature. You dare to aspire for immortality and yet you cling to your ego and your lusts.”
“What! Who said that?” Those words were so hurtful; I didn’t know if they came from my own mind or if I was being haunted by a demon.
“Go away, I hate you!” I shouted at the air as I tried to run on the pebbles through the sandy wind.
Again the faceless voice tried to torment me, louder it said, “Don’t you know why he left you? How you insist in having it all your way, you write your scripts and follow them, you judge everyone around you by your own standards, and condemn them when they fail to be exactly like you. You refuse to die to self. You wouldn’t be caught dead on a cross. Hopeless, you’re hopeless and the little man didn’t want to waste any more of his time on you, nor did he want to argue with you. That’s not his way.”
I was still running but the Commander was no longer in sight. The pain in my feet became too great and the voice too strong for me so I collapsed to cry. I covered my head with my arms to try to protect myself from the voice. I cried louder and louder so I wouldn’t have to hear the voice. No matter how loud I cried, I could still think. Perhaps the voice was right. I remember trying to challenge the Commander when I asked him if God could love me as I was, and not as the person the commands wanted me to change into. Then I could see that God wanted me to practice holy-cooperative-suicide, the likes of which accompanied Jesus on the cross and as long as I insisted on being myself and lazy at that, I failed God’s purpose. I could no longer be called a true aspiring immortal, perhaps only a highway Christian.
At that point in my thoughts, I felt a hand touch my shoulder. In fear I cried louder hoping it would go away and leave me alone in my misery. I may as well even give up trying to go to Christmas I thought. Life is over for me. I will succumb to corruption and mortality like everyone else. That thought brought more tears and louder sobs. Who was I to think I could ever hold the infant Christ in my arms? The touch turned into a tap. I had forgotten that perhaps I was not alone.
Whether it was bravery or utter surrender I do not know but I lifted my head out of its cave of arms and could hardly believe what I saw. The Commander and a fairy stood over me.
“Get up!” he ordered. “We have work to do! There are others you must meet on this path before you can get to Christmas and we are almost there. You can’t afford to spend too much more time learning the commands. Get up I tell you. You mustn’t dawdle. Study this.” And he threw a small book at my feet.”